A promise holds only as much power as it is given.

Like a promise, I put a piece of coal in your hand and tell you, "If you squeeze it hard enuff and hold it long enuff, it will become a diamond".

In my life, Ive made promises that were not mine to make.  So, I could not keep them.  I told lies to keep from breaking these promises.  "Until death do us part.  Beyond everything and no matter what."  Promises made to inspire comfort, security and freedom became tyranical dictatorships over my future.

Spiritual unrest and civil revolution of my soul proceeded to march down the main streets of my heart and gathered to protest in the square of my memory, waving flags of guilt and shame.  With my ego on a megafone as the grand marshall of the parade, I was cornered and forced to account for these broken promises I made to myself.

As an emotional riot raged within, every aspect of my character gathered to throw broken promises back into my face.  Ignoring all requests to negotiate, my self-worth leaned into me until I was on my knees.  All of my mixed emotions mobbed against me and all of my broken promises bared down on me.  I had made promises under the title of every character within me and accountability had become a demand from all sides.

With no place left to hide, there was no point to try and escape, anymore.  The gang of broken promises had chased me down and beaten me into submission.  I had surrendered, curled up into a ball on the ground, when all of a sudden, The Truth arrived.  Silence fell apon the crowd and it parted as The Truth walked through it, headed in a straight line for me.  Once standing over me, protecting me, The Truth reached out her hand and lifted me up.

The Truth is without imperfection, infinite and divine.  Promises are made by man, suseptable to failure and flawed in design.  The Truth will set you free.  A promise will only bind you.  I choose to walk with The Truth and ignore any promise that cares to show its ugly face anywhere near my life ever again.  Promises are nothing more than Truth wannabe's.  While I hold close to The Truth, I may never be fooled by another promise... my own or anyone else's.

Pieces of Promises

A week until my birthday 2012.  Usually, January26th comes and goes just like any other day.  If I keep quite about it, Im able to just slip right through.  No fuss.  No mess.  No excuse.  Perfect.  This maybe why I can never remember how old I am.  But, this year's birth marker of mine holds quite abit of personal signifigance to me.

I returned to Canada 6months ago, now.  As I was trying to salvage the remains of myself from a broken disaster of a 2yr relationship, I was forced to look into my future and lay checkpoints for an entirely new direction.  The woman I had intended to marry had nurtured a seed of passion for her boss until it grew and choked the life from the garden we (her and I) were growing.  Before I turned into a pile of compost, she put me on a plane and sent me home.  

Last year, my birthday was celebrated by/with "friends" @ The Mambo Cafe in El Ciudad de Mexico, Distrito Federal.  Although questions were sprouting, at that point in time, I could not have known that I would never have another birthday @ The Mambo Cafe.  Having said that, I am thankful that I may never have to experience another evening of mambo.

Suspissions continued to grow through the months following my last birthday, until confessions were finally made.  More of her secrets and lies that I was not even slightly aware of before. Apologies were offered, we talked about our futures.  The notion of us reuniting again someday made the pain of this awful break-up barable.  Predictions and promises were made.  She was going to fall in and out of love with her next experiment (I mean "relationship"... opps), I was going to have sex with a few more hot chix and we would come together again someday, on the other side of all of it.

As I was packing to leave Mexico (being finally dumped by my cheating liar of a fiance) this passed summer, I told her that I dont see myself holding onto hope for "us" much further than my next birthday.  Some pieces of me say it would've been better if I let go well before then.  Other pieces remind me of the promises I made.  Some pieces of me hate her guts.  Other pieces inside me question the true value of my own words, "Beyond everything and no matter what."

So, my next birthday... is that beyond everything or what?  How many more times will I pledge my heart with an oath before it loses its worth entirely, even unto myself?  I know the only person who can answer these questions is me.