Pieces of Promises

A week until my birthday 2012.  Usually, January26th comes and goes just like any other day.  If I keep quite about it, Im able to just slip right through.  No fuss.  No mess.  No excuse.  Perfect.  This maybe why I can never remember how old I am.  But, this year's birth marker of mine holds quite abit of personal signifigance to me.

I returned to Canada 6months ago, now.  As I was trying to salvage the remains of myself from a broken disaster of a 2yr relationship, I was forced to look into my future and lay checkpoints for an entirely new direction.  The woman I had intended to marry had nurtured a seed of passion for her boss until it grew and choked the life from the garden we (her and I) were growing.  Before I turned into a pile of compost, she put me on a plane and sent me home.  

Last year, my birthday was celebrated by/with "friends" @ The Mambo Cafe in El Ciudad de Mexico, Distrito Federal.  Although questions were sprouting, at that point in time, I could not have known that I would never have another birthday @ The Mambo Cafe.  Having said that, I am thankful that I may never have to experience another evening of mambo.

Suspissions continued to grow through the months following my last birthday, until confessions were finally made.  More of her secrets and lies that I was not even slightly aware of before. Apologies were offered, we talked about our futures.  The notion of us reuniting again someday made the pain of this awful break-up barable.  Predictions and promises were made.  She was going to fall in and out of love with her next experiment (I mean "relationship"... opps), I was going to have sex with a few more hot chix and we would come together again someday, on the other side of all of it.

As I was packing to leave Mexico (being finally dumped by my cheating liar of a fiance) this passed summer, I told her that I dont see myself holding onto hope for "us" much further than my next birthday.  Some pieces of me say it would've been better if I let go well before then.  Other pieces remind me of the promises I made.  Some pieces of me hate her guts.  Other pieces inside me question the true value of my own words, "Beyond everything and no matter what."

So, my next birthday... is that beyond everything or what?  How many more times will I pledge my heart with an oath before it loses its worth entirely, even unto myself?  I know the only person who can answer these questions is me.