Assention

I hung in the void like a ragdoll. Suspended between two of my greatest fears, deep water and heights. Equally breath-taking and paralyzing. As I floated there, in the limbo between these two unknowns, both called to me, begging  for my favour in this ultimate moment. This choice is mine. This decision has always been only mine to make. I should've given my verdict long ago.

I choose to fly.

As I emerged from The Deep and crossed the barrier between ocean and air, it felt as though my entire self had been covered in scar tissue and was now, finally, being peeled away to restore all wonderful and accurate sensation once again and forevermore.  Splashes and spray and rainbow mist trailed from behind me. All confusion and doubt fell away, along with final remaining drops of wide open lonely ocean. Water and shame beaded along me like a raindrop being pushed off of a speeding car windshield as I assended.

New heights. Fresh perspectives. Beautiful vistas of forgotten daydreams. I see land!!!!!!! and it looks to be only 12weeks away!!!  All praise and thanks be to Our One True God Almighty.

Self-Inflicted

Be prepared. Never under-estimate. Always do your best. Amillion cliche phrases barreled over my mind the instant before the initial tidal wave hit me like a speeding downhill freight train. Regret and horror are a steaming engine and excuses are an endless line of loaded boxcars pushing with all their weight.

As this massive force swept me from my raft, I could feel the hand of The Almighty One pull out from underneath me. Total abandonment. Overwhelming fear. Completely void of all trust. As I was violently thrown down into the depths of  that watery oblivion, like some sort of unholy baptizm, a white light appeared all around me and its warmth enveloped me. I felt a voice. He said:

"My Child, I asked you to leave the island. You had outgrown it and it was set to waste away in flames. You, My Son, were the one who made a raft. You set yourself to drift the wide open lonely ocean. You were the one who figured out so well, all by yourself, how to catch food and keep shelter. Your will to survive, My Child, has demonstrated true passion for My Will. However devoted the gesture, nessesary it was not."

"My Son, why have you chosen to struggle like this? Do you not know that you can fly?"

Letting go

Here, I sit in the middle of this wide open ocean. With a full circle of unobstructed horizion, why am I so suprised  by approaching debrise on this ocean or a storm in this sky? Sometimes, I am able to see it in the shrinking distance for days, beforehand. 

I knew this was coming and now that it is here, I believe it has true potential to cause devistation. Im not prepared for this at all. These deepest ocean currents with creatures never imagined. This sky has turned swamp green and jaundiced yellow. Overwhelming fear. 

I have no intention in forcing against this. I am powerless in this wide open ocean. I have no care to brace myself or cling to any piece of this raft, anymore. For what? Preservation? For safety? Comfort?  None if these exist, anymore, out here in this lonely void.

I expect this to be The End. Goodbye.

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Her Love is a Lighthouse

Sometimes, I think I may've already died and now my spirit is only experiencing phantom pains from my former physical earthly existance. Daydreams of a happy safe life remain only to torture me as I drift on this wide open ocean that has become my hell.

Visions of my One True Love appear along the horizion. A white beam of pure light streams into space from the top of her head. I hear her soft voice on gentle breezes from a million miles away. She beckons me towards her. I cry and I beg with this wide open ocean becuz I am helpless against its strong currents that decide my direction entirely.  Waves tease me, surfing me closer and then pulling me further from her.