You forgot?

Allow me to refresh your memory...

I smoke.  I drink.  I get stoned. 

I forget where I live. 

I have to pay attention and remind myself to eat or it wont happen. 

I have no shame. 

I swear. 

My teeth could use a good cleaning and fixing. 

My clothes are all old and dirty. 

I dont think.  I feel. 

I try to never use the words sorry, should or fault. 

I dont really understand the concepts of time or money. 

I drink my coffee instant, strong, black and no sugar. 

I have afternoon naps. 

I eat leftover scraps. 

I feel alone all the time, even when Im surrounded with people who love me. 

I get along best with animals, the mentally handicapped, children and senior citizens.

I am from an exploded star.

I have no excuse and I refuse to take responsibility for any of this. 

I act like a child who never had a mother or father.

I require alot of constant loving attention.

Remember, now?

I miss you so much

"I miss you so much", she types.  Surely, she is not typing to me. Of course, she is not.  Thats rediculous.  I mean, I am a wonderful man and it is a tragedy to have thrown away such a blessing.  But, how can you miss something you never wanted to begin with?  No.  Surely, she is not missing me.

"I miss you so much", she types.  No, she's not missing me.  All she ever did was try to get away from me.  All she ever did was push me away.  How could she miss me when all she ever did was ignore, neglect and reject me?

Well, I maybe wrong......

Her father left when she was a young child.  So, she made me go away forever, as well.  An attempt to explain that almost forgotten childhood memory.  Maybe she does miss me.  It maybe all she knows how to do.  She is most comfortable when expressing herself through a filter of sorrow.

I dont want to be missed.  I want to be loved.  Beyond everything and no matter what.  Totally only and forever fully.  Come to me, running as fast as you can, with arms wide open and full of hope.

You see, it is hard to miss someone when you do that.  So, maybe she does type "I miss you so much" for me to read.  As long as I have been loving her, all she ever wanted to do was miss me.  No, I want to be loved.

She also types, "What I dont miss... I forgot.".

The Krac between Us

I know you dream of me, still.  I dream of you, too.  Imagination is a powerful place.  In fact, it is where all reality sprouts from.

However, there is so much more that goes on beyond the edge of imagination.  So much more patiently waiting, in order, at the outskirts.  So much is waiting for a turn to step into the light of comprehension.

The division between imagination and reality is a small Krac.  It is not very wide.  But, it runs very deep.  Many dreams will not step over this Krac.  Even though it is narrow, they fear its dark and unknown depths.

How easily the words, "beyond everything and no matter what" are forgotten in attempt to justify these fears.

You cant see the wind, itself. You can only see the effects of its presence.

I've gone swimming in the pacific ocean every day for the past week, now.  The ocean is 3blox away from my house.  Im moving on the 15th of this month.  The ocean is literally across the street from my new place.

Today, when I threw myself into the pacific ocean, I found myself wondering about who else maybe floating in this same enormous body of water.

I feel pure love coming to me like I've never felt before.  She is sending me shooting stars and shrinking the ocean to the size of a teardrop.  This love that is being sent to me is so complete and secure, it envelopes my imagination with clairvoyance and waking dreams.

However, it feels like telepathy into the unknown. I can tell you who I imagine she is. I cannot tell yet with absolute certainty who she is.  But, I think she was in the pacific ocean today.  The waves reminded me of how she dances to PJ Harvey.

Dear Universe.....

Dear Universe,

Thank you for all the love that you so generously give me daily.  In your time, I am always provided for, I know.

I dont desire to break from the rythm of life that has been rewarding me with this constant flow of blessings.  So, if there could be a way to fit my selfish human wishes into The Plan, that would be sooo great :)

My human desire is for the pure and honest true love of a irresistablly beautiful, pleasant, respectful and dedicated woman.  This woman is running to me rite now, from where ever she may be, with arms wide open and full of hope.  She is going to show up on my doorstep, give me a warm hug an' tell me, "Everything is going to be ok".  She will hold my hand and share everything with me.  Without fear or expectation or condition.  Unlimited patience and compassionate acceptance.

Love has taken me to many places and I dont regret, even for a moment, a single choice.  But, maybe this time, love could come blazing a trail straight for me, instead?  

Arite Universe, there ya have it  :)  Of course, no pressure :P  

Thank you,

       Your child.

In response,

You say you were never truely in love with me.  No duh!!!  I truely loved you, though.  Even though you cheated on me and lied to me and kept secrets and neglected me, I dont talk trash about you, Diana.  Maybe it is your own guilt that is trying to convince you that I am.  Maybe I should be talking trash about you.  But, all I can do is be thankful.

Yes, thankful.  If you had not kicked me out of Mexico so you could finally fuck your boss, I would not be living in this wonderful city or this awesome condo that looks out over English Bay .  I would not have this amazing job.  I would not be living a life that feels like every day my dreams are coming true.

I check your blog (http://galadiana.blogspot.com/) becuz I hope to read that your life is going well, Diana.  Buenos Aires.  True love.  Your art.  Your passion.  I read your blog becuz I hope to see that, these decisions you've made, are making you as happy as they have made me.

You have influenced my life in ways, I wonder if, you may never understand.  Thank you for so much.  I wish you well.

Polly Part2

Polly is my very close and good friend.  I believe her when she tells me everything is going to be ok.  I trust her becuz she is always honest with me. Never hurtful.  Always gentle.  Polly knows.  Polly understands.  As well, Polly has been the excuse you'd been looking for.  The excuse you needed to explore your fantasies without having to face the shame of throwing away a good man who truely loved you.

Love is the most powerful and abundant resource known to mankind.  More powerful than the sun and more abundant than water.  The only reason a person would not have success with love is becuz she would not step out from her shell to feel the warm sun shine on her bare skin.  She would not strip down naked and jump into the refreshing lake, head-first.

I am a frog, resting on a lillypad and basking in the sunshine.  As I sit and enjoy the scenery, I watch many a princess walk the path that circles this lake.  They are all searching for the same thing.  True love.  The first princess brave enuff to swim out here and give this frog a kiss is going to have a prince on her hands.

Save your breath and your words.  I can barely see you along the waters edge, anymore and I cant hear a word you are saying from out here in the middle of this lake.  Your apology means nothing to me.  Unless you are the princess that is going to swim out here and give me that magic kiss, I couldnt care less about what else you do.